Do you ever have those "wowser" moments when something you have been told finally sinks in and you realize exactly what everyone meant when they said it? Well today I had one and I had it in a rather marvolous way.

In August my life had a few minor changes that seemed to effect me in a major way, so much that I was starting to let other peoples opinions about my abilities start to affect my confidence. Despite what I want people to believe I am actually rather sickly, and at points I have thought hard about how much longer I might be allowed to live on this earth. I am rather young, in August I turned 25 yrs old, and yet I am dealing with things that most people don't deal with till they are much older and some never have to deal with it. I want to point out here that I have never taken illegal drugs and I have never abused any kind of drugs, I have never knowingly drank alcohol and once I found out liquid cough medicine had alcohol in it I have stopped taking that also. At a young age I had a friend and she had many family members who struggled with addictions and I could see (even at my young age) just how difficult their lives were because of it so I avoided all those things so that I wouldn't have those difficulties, which is why I find it rather absurd that at the age of 23 I began suffering symptoms that would usually only be brought on by the illegal use of drugs and alcohol abuse.

I Have a movement disorder that has left me disabled, I have had to give up many things I love, and at times I am not allowed to be alone. One never seems to notice how great their alone time is until they no longer have it. Despite all my attempts to stay positive at times it is definitaly overwhelming not only for me but also for my family and friends that are aware of most of my daily struggles, or for those who have to stand by and watch and my body tosses around and hear the moans and groans knowing that nothing is being done, and as far as anyone knows nothing can be done to make them stop or to "fix" me.

Before becoming disabled in 2008 I can honestly tell you my life wasn't exactly a walk in the park, it has always seemed to be full of trails, disappointments, and discouragements. I have strayed from the church, I have found my way back, I have loved and lost, and I have found love where I never imagined it to be. I am not complaining, don't get me wrong, I am thinkful that I have learned all I know and that I have been able to grow and mature as I have, without the struggles I wouldn't have my strength. I always knew that God would never give me more than I could handle, and then in 2006 I was sitting in a Abnormal Psychology class and at the end of the lesson on schitzophrenia I walked out questioning that. I remember in the lesson the teacher said that most people don't begin suffering from schizophrenia until the later teens early 20s, and that it is usually brought on by great stress, as if the mind snaps under the pressure which meant to me that obviously God has given some more than they can handle and in return they become schizophrenic.

With all the stress in my life I have often wondered if/when I might snap and start hearing voices, at some times my struggles where so intense I was certain I couldn't survive through them. I never cursed the Lord, I can't say I have never questioned him, but as far as I can remember I have never cursed him because I knew that despite the point that he had control over all things, Satan was allowed certain 'priveleges' and I know my struggles were sent by Satan and not God and so it seemed I was constantly cursing Satan. And the biggest hit was knowing that at points God can give you more than you can handle or there would be no schizophrenics running around hearin voices.

well to get back to my ahha/'wowser' momment. In August, school was about to begin and I lost my little helper, Jessica, and and that left me with 7+ kids that I was watching (due to a huge misunderstanding/scheduling conflict) and I stood infront of a judge who was dumbfounded that I was as sick as I was and that my husband was leaving me home with my son (he wasn't aware that when I lost my little helper I was now babysitting the kids she was taking care of while keeping an eye on me--it is a rather complicated situation). After listening to the judge and talking to a few other people I began to panic, I started to imagine what could happen, I started to not only question my abilities but I also questioned my worth. My health started to falter and I as the stress piled on I continued to wonder just how could I continue to do what I was doing.

I really started to panic as I continously contacted person after person, and agency after agency looking for a helper who could replace Jessica, but no such help, I either didn't qualify, or couldn't pay what they wanted. I really started to fear just what might happen if I was to fall and hurt myself with all those kids in my care. I pretty much had nervous break down, and the point that we had 2 extra little boys living with us that were not making my life at all easy didn't help. I finally did admit defeat and I sent those 2 little boys home to their mom, who then sent them who knows where, but that is a different story for another post. I asked the mom that she not bring the boys back, suddenly the 7 kids I watched where only 5 and since one went to a school that was in another town he no longer came to the house on a daily basis, so that took the 5 kids to 4, and since my son was in school from 8am till 2:30 pm that meant I really only cared for 3 kids.

I know without a doubt in my mind that if I was to stop babysitting all together that the parents I babysit for wouldn't be able to find anyone else who would only charge them what I am charging, I have looked and babysitters seem to want well over $2 an hour, some want as much as $10 an hour, I even saw one who was asking for $15 an hour, I charge $10 a day for one kid and $15 a day for 2 and with both my families struggling financially I know what a blessing it is for them to get such a great deal. I was building up the strength to tell the parents that I was getting too sick to babysit anymore and one of the mommies (she was completely unaware of what I was about to do) made it a point to thank me, she was in tears as she thanked me for all the help I have been, and she admitted if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be able to work, and as a single mom she really has to work.

anyhow, after that I couldn't give up, so I bucked up and I did what any mom would and I just dealt the card dealed me. I learned my strengths, and I learned my weaknesses. I learned who I could count on in a bind and I figured out who woudl flake. I found true friends and I discovered fakes one also. But when all was said and done I realized that I'm a survivor, at least to this point. When I finally leaned to the Lord and started following his guidance I realized I had way more strength than I coul even imagine. Life isn't perfect, I still struggle, I'm still sick, and some days I just have to admit defeat and throw up a white flag, but I have come to love the days I get to spend with my 3 little angels (who hold their halos up on their horns).

Anyhow, today when I logged onto facebook I noticed a friend was online and so I thought I would just say Hey, but as I began chatting with her I remembered totally complaining and panicking to her a few months earlier about not knowing what I would do without a helper, and so as I informed her that hope wasn't lost I realized exactly what every one meant when they told me 'god would never give me more than I coudl handle.