unanswered prayers

You may not know this about me, but I have had some pretty unusual and some pretty down right depressing things happen in my life, and I use to fall down and beg and plead, begging that it wasn't so and that life wasn't as rough as it was, somethings would depress me for days, and at points I would even wonder what I did to deserve such a bad thing happening to me.

Now, by bad things happening to me, I mean like when I was 8 months pregnant and John called to tell me he was fired and that the baby's due date was after that date we would lose his insurance, actually a lot of bad things happened around that time, and I was so focused on the bad things happening to me (like my tiny little boy born sick a month early, my emergency c-section, and me returning to work only 11 days after my emergency c-section) the sad thing is that I was so focused on the bad that it took my focus away from the good and I had so much hatred built up that I missed out of a lot of things cause I was so busy focusing on the great hatred I had to the people who did those things to me--I missed out on enjoying my baby's first smile, my baby's first laugh, well there are way too many first that I missed out on to mention here, but I regret every one of them, and I think when I finally was able to wake up and realize how really the only person that was doing me wrong was me (and trust me that wasn't easy) was I able to see that hating all the things that happened and hating all the people I hated didn't do a bit of good.

Now, everyone who knows what is really going on in my life right now is constantly pointing out my great attitude and questioning how I can stay so positive when all these bad things are happening, and I have to say that despite all the things that have happened this past year I still believe that this is nothing compared to what I have been through only because now I can see that it doesn't do any good to dwell on the bad, as hard as it is, you need to step back and look for the good cause if all you do is focus on the bad all you will find is bad, and it is so easy to find bad in this world these days...I like to think of myself as a hard working individual and it isn't that hard to find the bad but it takes hard work to see the good.

I gotto tell you though, this week has been a rough one, but I know something good will come from this, already a lot of good things have come from me being sick--I'm finally getting to be the stay at home mom I use to want to be (don't want to so much anymore but don't really have a choice now do I), I am getting to experience all new firsts with my son Dominic as well with the kids I watch throughout the day. I am learning how to be resourceful and trust me, I've had to learn how to be resourceful pretty darn fast. It is funny how it takes me being so sick to finally realize just how good I got it.

Now I am just saying this to remind everyone out there who is asking "why me?" that this time isn't meant to hurt us or to break us but to help us grow and become the people we ultimately want to become, we might not always like the things that happen but there is a reason and a purpose for it all. I know that before I was Born God took me to the side and told me that I would have it rough and he explained all that would happen to me, I know that he also let me know that I didn't have to accept the challenges, that I could choose another life and some one else could go in my place but that I accepted the challenges knowing that they would be tough and painstaking, not so I could hold it over other people, but because somebody had to come down and if not me then who? So I came knowing that only through great suffering comes great victory and knowing that one day I will be able to return and say "God I did it" and be able to hug my brother Jesus and thank him for coming before me and being there for me. It is kind of unsettling to knwo that of all the doctors I have seen, and I have seen a lot, that none of them have ever treated a person with my symptoms in all their years of working, but I know that there even though their may not be another person going through what I am going through right now that Jesus knows what I am going through and that he felt my pain and that I can go to him and he understands.

Now I don't want people to pity me, I don't want people to think I am making this all up to get attention, to be truthfully honest I still run into people that know me and ask me if I am still flying and I have to tell them that I am unable to, just the other day I ran into someone at church and they had no clue I was even sick, and that is the way I like it, I don't like to focus on my illness/disability I like to focus on my victories and while I am sitting thinking about everythign I can't do I don't have much time to focus on what I can do, and trust me right now it is easier to list the things I can still do than it is to list what I can't cause the can do list is a lot shorter (see there is a bonus).

I've cried myself to sleep because the man I thought I was meant to be with didn't see it that way, but then I discovered the man I was truly meant to be with. I use to cry with every negative pregnancy test and wonder if I would ever be blessed with another baby, only to discover that had I had another child we would be a world of hurt right now for many reasons--and there are billions of other times when I thought I knew what was best for me only to curse the Lord and ask why me, and now I look back on those times and thank the gracious Lord above for unanswered preayers.