You may not know this about me, but I have had some pretty unusual and some pretty down right depressing things happen in my life, and I use to fall down and beg and plead, begging that it wasn't so and that life wasn't as rough as it was, somethings would depress me for days, and at points I would even wonder what I did to deserve such a bad thing happening to me.
Now, by bad things happening to me, I mean like when I was 8 months pregnant and John called to tell me he was fired and that the baby's due date was after that date we would lose his insurance, actually a lot of bad things happened around that time, and I was so focused on the bad things happening to me (like my tiny little boy born sick a month early, my emergency c-section, and me returning to work only 11 days after my emergency c-section) the sad thing is that I was so focused on the bad that it took my focus away from the good and I had so much hatred built up that I missed out of a lot of things cause I was so busy focusing on the great hatred I had to the people who did those things to me--I missed out on enjoying my baby's first smile, my baby's first laugh, well there are way too many first that I missed out on to mention here, but I regret every one of them, and I think when I finally was able to wake up and realize how really the only person that was doing me wrong was me (and trust me that wasn't easy) was I able to see that hating all the things that happened and hating all the people I hated didn't do a bit of good.
Now, everyone who knows what is really going on in my life right now is constantly pointing out my great attitude and questioning how I can stay so positive when all these bad things are happening, and I have to say that despite all the things that have happened this past year I still believe that this is nothing compared to what I have been through only because now I can see that it doesn't do any good to dwell on the bad, as hard as it is, you need to step back and look for the good cause if all you do is focus on the bad all you will find is bad, and it is so easy to find bad in this world these days...I like to think of myself as a hard working individual and it isn't that hard to find the bad but it takes hard work to see the good.
I gotto tell you though, this week has been a rough one, but I know something good will come from this, already a lot of good things have come from me being sick--I'm finally getting to be the stay at home mom I use to want to be (don't want to so much anymore but don't really have a choice now do I), I am getting to experience all new firsts with my son Dominic as well with the kids I watch throughout the day. I am learning how to be resourceful and trust me, I've had to learn how to be resourceful pretty darn fast. It is funny how it takes me being so sick to finally realize just how good I got it.
Now I am just saying this to remind everyone out there who is asking "why me?" that this time isn't meant to hurt us or to break us but to help us grow and become the people we ultimately want to become, we might not always like the things that happen but there is a reason and a purpose for it all. I know that before I was Born God took me to the side and told me that I would have it rough and he explained all that would happen to me, I know that he also let me know that I didn't have to accept the challenges, that I could choose another life and some one else could go in my place but that I accepted the challenges knowing that they would be tough and painstaking, not so I could hold it over other people, but because somebody had to come down and if not me then who? So I came knowing that only through great suffering comes great victory and knowing that one day I will be able to return and say "God I did it" and be able to hug my brother Jesus and thank him for coming before me and being there for me. It is kind of unsettling to knwo that of all the doctors I have seen, and I have seen a lot, that none of them have ever treated a person with my symptoms in all their years of working, but I know that there even though their may not be another person going through what I am going through right now that Jesus knows what I am going through and that he felt my pain and that I can go to him and he understands.
Now I don't want people to pity me, I don't want people to think I am making this all up to get attention, to be truthfully honest I still run into people that know me and ask me if I am still flying and I have to tell them that I am unable to, just the other day I ran into someone at church and they had no clue I was even sick, and that is the way I like it, I don't like to focus on my illness/disability I like to focus on my victories and while I am sitting thinking about everythign I can't do I don't have much time to focus on what I can do, and trust me right now it is easier to list the things I can still do than it is to list what I can't cause the can do list is a lot shorter (see there is a bonus).
I've cried myself to sleep because the man I thought I was meant to be with didn't see it that way, but then I discovered the man I was truly meant to be with. I use to cry with every negative pregnancy test and wonder if I would ever be blessed with another baby, only to discover that had I had another child we would be a world of hurt right now for many reasons--and there are billions of other times when I thought I knew what was best for me only to curse the Lord and ask why me, and now I look back on those times and thank the gracious Lord above for unanswered preayers.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Primary Scripture
OK, so I totally forgot about this until I read this blog http://mamaswithdrama.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-little-potty-mouthdoin-mama-proud.html so thanks for reminding me of my humilating moment, and that I am not the only mom it happens to.
Ok, so we aren't the best parents out there, I realize that and even though I admit it I do not feel I am yet on the path of recovery, this is just proof admitting you have a problem isn't always the first step to overcoming the problem.
(side note, for those of you who don't know, we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, also known as mormons, you can ask me questions if you don't understand my post or you can look it up at www.lds.org for more information about our church--since this post contains church details that not everybody may understand.)
So we plum forgot that Dominic was sharing the scripture in Primary, we forgot until after we got to church the sunday he was to share, so I rush to the library to get scriptures cause heaven knows we didn't bring any with us (see bad, bad, bad mommy). So I get to the library only to realize I can't remember what ward I am in, may I remind you all we have lived in this ward for 2 years and suddenly I can't remember which one I am in, and to top it all off my bishop's wife walks in while I am trying ot remember (outloud ofcourse), and she speaks up and reminds me just which ward I am in.
So we get through sacrement and it is time for him to go to primary. Now he was suppose to have spent all week trying ot memorize the scripture we forgot all about, so needless to say I decided I would have to slack my calling as the assistant librarain and help him in primary with his scripture.
Problem--I didn't know when he was to give the scripture, I asked his teacher and she didn't quite know either but thought it was right then so we waited till they came looking for him and then we both went up to sit infront of everybody. Dominic isn't actually acting so bad, so I relax a little, One kid says the prayer and the primary president (I think that is her calling) is sitting on the other side of Dominic as he looks to me and announces "I have to Pee" in a not very quiet voice, I wisper shhh, you can wait, but she (the primary president who is pregnant with her 7th child) chuckles just a little and asks if he needs to go, I assure her he can hold it and she goes to do the child highlight.
Honestly, did he have to announce it then? my only thought was that he didn't wait till we were at the microphone to make the announcement, but I was still rather worried as to what would happen when we got to the Mic.
It is our turn, we walk up to the mic, I knee down to wisper into his ear, the problem is though that as I wisper into his ear he wispers into the Mic which sounded super creapy and actually creeped out a few kids, after about 3 minutes of strugglin to get him to actually speak into the mic I decide I will just have to do it, but want him to think he did it so instead of wispering into his ear I speak rather loudly so the mic picks it up and sure enough Dominic says it clear as day as well so then we have an eco. Luckily we chose a short scripture.
Anyhow, when we were done rather than sit back down on the stand (as we were in the chapel) I rushed off the stand and had to remind Dominic he had to potty as he attempted to sit with his class, "Oh yeah" and so we went to the bathroom, and ofcourse on the way there he reminds me that he is a boy and has to go to the boys bathroom but that I am a girl and have to go to the girls bathroom, he repeats himself about 4 times before we finally make it to the bathroom, and he wasn't quiet about the information he was sharing with me (always humilating).
either way, Dominic ran into the men's room and yes, John walked into view, so I do what any humiliated mother should do--I passed him off to his father and ran to hide in the library.
Ok, so we aren't the best parents out there, I realize that and even though I admit it I do not feel I am yet on the path of recovery, this is just proof admitting you have a problem isn't always the first step to overcoming the problem.
(side note, for those of you who don't know, we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, also known as mormons, you can ask me questions if you don't understand my post or you can look it up at www.lds.org for more information about our church--since this post contains church details that not everybody may understand.)
So we plum forgot that Dominic was sharing the scripture in Primary, we forgot until after we got to church the sunday he was to share, so I rush to the library to get scriptures cause heaven knows we didn't bring any with us (see bad, bad, bad mommy). So I get to the library only to realize I can't remember what ward I am in, may I remind you all we have lived in this ward for 2 years and suddenly I can't remember which one I am in, and to top it all off my bishop's wife walks in while I am trying ot remember (outloud ofcourse), and she speaks up and reminds me just which ward I am in.
So we get through sacrement and it is time for him to go to primary. Now he was suppose to have spent all week trying ot memorize the scripture we forgot all about, so needless to say I decided I would have to slack my calling as the assistant librarain and help him in primary with his scripture.
Problem--I didn't know when he was to give the scripture, I asked his teacher and she didn't quite know either but thought it was right then so we waited till they came looking for him and then we both went up to sit infront of everybody. Dominic isn't actually acting so bad, so I relax a little, One kid says the prayer and the primary president (I think that is her calling) is sitting on the other side of Dominic as he looks to me and announces "I have to Pee" in a not very quiet voice, I wisper shhh, you can wait, but she (the primary president who is pregnant with her 7th child) chuckles just a little and asks if he needs to go, I assure her he can hold it and she goes to do the child highlight.
Honestly, did he have to announce it then? my only thought was that he didn't wait till we were at the microphone to make the announcement, but I was still rather worried as to what would happen when we got to the Mic.
It is our turn, we walk up to the mic, I knee down to wisper into his ear, the problem is though that as I wisper into his ear he wispers into the Mic which sounded super creapy and actually creeped out a few kids, after about 3 minutes of strugglin to get him to actually speak into the mic I decide I will just have to do it, but want him to think he did it so instead of wispering into his ear I speak rather loudly so the mic picks it up and sure enough Dominic says it clear as day as well so then we have an eco. Luckily we chose a short scripture.
Anyhow, when we were done rather than sit back down on the stand (as we were in the chapel) I rushed off the stand and had to remind Dominic he had to potty as he attempted to sit with his class, "Oh yeah" and so we went to the bathroom, and ofcourse on the way there he reminds me that he is a boy and has to go to the boys bathroom but that I am a girl and have to go to the girls bathroom, he repeats himself about 4 times before we finally make it to the bathroom, and he wasn't quiet about the information he was sharing with me (always humilating).
either way, Dominic ran into the men's room and yes, John walked into view, so I do what any humiliated mother should do--I passed him off to his father and ran to hide in the library.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Katie and Alex, together forever May 16, 2009
OK, so I can't put it off a minute longer, So Katie, despite the pain and suffering I am going to write a little tid bit about you, so sit back and enjoy...
Katie and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye, I was everything she swore she would never be, and she was everything my mom wanted me to be--skinny, popular, and attractive. I think for the longest time I "hated" her simply because I wished I was her, but unfortunately didn't have the self control necessary (or the body build) to look like her. It is funny how 2 sisters from the same 2 parents could be oh so different--but where we really all that different?
John and I often laugh about the similarities--Katie always thought I was so stupid to get married so young--well Katie, you were only a month and a few days older than I was when you got married nine days after our 4th anniversary. I remember the laugh we got when you took your CNA class in high school and when you were a Social work major in college, and like I you decided social work wasn't really what you wanted to do, you just chose a separate major, when I decided that I didn't want to be a social worker right then, but would like to later.
Katie, I know you try to live your life to prove to others that we are nothing a like, and i want to tell take this time and tell everybody you are nothing like me.
for starters, you went red before you started dying your hair dark, I have always been blond, and have never dyed my hair, you love to go tanning, I have never been tanning. You may not have stuck with the Social Work program in High School, but you have stuck with College, I was all go in High school but burned out by the time I got to college. You are definitely wiser than me, you actually carried out my plans to marry a rich older man.
But there is one thing we share, and that is our love for the Lord and our desire to be married not just for time but for all eternity. Yes we both married outside the temple, but eventually we wised up and got our butts through to the temple. When John and I were sealed you were unable to attend and when you and Alex were sealed due to distance and finances John and I were unable to attend. But I don't think it matters who actually is in the sealing room when one is sealed, as long as you are sealed to the one you love.
I did e-mail mom to e-mail me some pics of us as kids, unfortunately she is behind in her e-mails so this post will be long forgotten before I ever get those pics, so sorry about that. I did though want to let you know I do love you despite how much you want to prove you are nothing like me, truth is I wish I was everything you are and even though you are my little sister just how much I look up to you and all you achieve (don't hold that against me because i will deny I ever said it)
I did think about you on your special day, and prayed for you and one day I will definitely make it a point to go through the temple and we can do a session together--miss you tons little sis.
Katie and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye, I was everything she swore she would never be, and she was everything my mom wanted me to be--skinny, popular, and attractive. I think for the longest time I "hated" her simply because I wished I was her, but unfortunately didn't have the self control necessary (or the body build) to look like her. It is funny how 2 sisters from the same 2 parents could be oh so different--but where we really all that different?
John and I often laugh about the similarities--Katie always thought I was so stupid to get married so young--well Katie, you were only a month and a few days older than I was when you got married nine days after our 4th anniversary. I remember the laugh we got when you took your CNA class in high school and when you were a Social work major in college, and like I you decided social work wasn't really what you wanted to do, you just chose a separate major, when I decided that I didn't want to be a social worker right then, but would like to later.
Katie, I know you try to live your life to prove to others that we are nothing a like, and i want to tell take this time and tell everybody you are nothing like me.
for starters, you went red before you started dying your hair dark, I have always been blond, and have never dyed my hair, you love to go tanning, I have never been tanning. You may not have stuck with the Social Work program in High School, but you have stuck with College, I was all go in High school but burned out by the time I got to college. You are definitely wiser than me, you actually carried out my plans to marry a rich older man.
But there is one thing we share, and that is our love for the Lord and our desire to be married not just for time but for all eternity. Yes we both married outside the temple, but eventually we wised up and got our butts through to the temple. When John and I were sealed you were unable to attend and when you and Alex were sealed due to distance and finances John and I were unable to attend. But I don't think it matters who actually is in the sealing room when one is sealed, as long as you are sealed to the one you love.
I did e-mail mom to e-mail me some pics of us as kids, unfortunately she is behind in her e-mails so this post will be long forgotten before I ever get those pics, so sorry about that. I did though want to let you know I do love you despite how much you want to prove you are nothing like me, truth is I wish I was everything you are and even though you are my little sister just how much I look up to you and all you achieve (don't hold that against me because i will deny I ever said it)
I did think about you on your special day, and prayed for you and one day I will definitely make it a point to go through the temple and we can do a session together--miss you tons little sis.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Congratulations Katie
I want to give a quick shout out to my little sister Katie and her husband Alex who were sealed for time and all eternity yesterday--Congratulations you 2 love birds!!!!
I wanted to do a post dedicated to my little sister yesterday, in honor of her sealing, but unfortunately have been under the weather and unable to, I would this morning but we are running late for church, so stay posted because as soon as I can I will be posting it, but unfortunately have to run.
Love you Katie and Alex and sorry I couldn't be there for your special day.
Katie and Alex, together forever May 16, 2009 (married May 19, 2007), and may it last longer than eternity itself
I wanted to do a post dedicated to my little sister yesterday, in honor of her sealing, but unfortunately have been under the weather and unable to, I would this morning but we are running late for church, so stay posted because as soon as I can I will be posting it, but unfortunately have to run.
Love you Katie and Alex and sorry I couldn't be there for your special day.
Katie and Alex, together forever May 16, 2009 (married May 19, 2007), and may it last longer than eternity itself
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Don't fall for their tactics.....
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Sunday, May 10, 2009
My mother's day miracle
OK, so I am making John clean up right now while I still feel the bliss of a meal gone right. At least a month ago I signed up to feed the missionaries, but there was some sort of a miss hap last month and I cooked a huge meal for them to come one weekend but they were unable to make it (but in all fairness we didn't realize we (me and a friend usually prepare the meals together, she is a single mom and so she has to have a male at the house for them to come and eat, so John is the designated male so we share the responsibility of feeding the missionaries) had signed up 3 weeks in a row, well actually I signed up for one week in the end of one month then signed up for Easter, in the mean time a nurse that treats my friends foster child, who we had invited to eat with us, was unable to come and meet the missionaries but said if we had it the following week that she would love to go, so we signed up to feed them the following week (which ended up being a huge disaster) and then the next week we were to feed them as well, either way, when we figured it out we realized we were being missionary hogs and didn't even realize it, so I wasn't too hurt when they weren't able to make it, I did though feel bad though, that my dad drove all the way from Utah to bring us his truck and we had a defrosted turkey that I didn't make him cause I was saving it to feed the missionaries the next day, then they weren't able to come, so that is why I feel bad...anyhow, that was so confusing even I am lost, so I shall continue with today
So, today started off on a very bad note and I did actually believe all was lost. Today is not only Mother's Day, it is also our 6Th anniversary, and a week ago I made it very clear to John that my expectations where high and that if he screwed this up he would ruin both events for me. I continued to remind him of the importance of this one day, and sure enough last night I discovered he had not only not planned anything big but the one thing I had asked of him he was unable to do, and then the thing I wanted him to do this morning to make up for that he not only complained but he cussed while complaining and I so frustrated that I ended up crying, he though did the make up breakfast--waffles, with fresh strawberries and banana slices and freshly whipped whip cream, and I just am not good at holding a grudge anyways, I have a bad memory.
So we go to church and not only does the primary sing but the priesthood sang with them, they sang love is spoken here, and even though Dominic just stood up there waving at me (he is taking a little longer to understand the whole sing while everybody else sings while we are up here concept, this actually was one of the first times he stood up there with everybody else and didn't run back screaming to me) and as I sat back and saw my little "big boy" up there and then my husband standing not too far away, for the first time I heard nothing at all, just stood there understanding just how happy my life is, despite all the bad, I still have a husband and son that not only love me but will stand up in front of everybody else to prove that love to me.
We ended up leaving 30 minutes early so we could get home to get dinner ready so when the missionaries got here we could eat, since they were in a hurry to get home and call their families, and everything (for the first time in a long time) went smoothly, and we were all able to sit down and eat, we had some laughs, and we were talking about staying out of trouble and my little boy sat at the opposite end of the table from me and told me how he did something and got in trouble, I didn't understand exactly what he said but for the first time that I can remember I realized my son was trying to engage in conversation and he was actually aware of the topic of conversation we were having.
I have been married for 6 years now, and been a mother for a little more than of them, and that dear sweet child of mine has taught me so much, but he is growing so fast. It is definitely bittersweet because, as it looks right now, he will be my only baby. I know that we can adopt and we have already started the process and I look forward to that amazing experience, but I also look at my child and realize I will never be able to know I am not only sharing my body with my child but that i provide his/her nutrients as he/she grows in my tummy. The amazing feeling you have as you feel them kick in your tummy, sometimes it might be painful, but still, to know that this little miracle is taking place in your tummy, I find that amazing. Today has definitely been a bittersweet kind of day because it was 5 years ago today that I my doctor called and confirmed what a home test had told us a few days before, that I was in fact pregnant with a baby that is now engaging in adult conversations about getting into trouble.
Anyhow, I just wanted to get on and wish everybody a very happy Mother's day and that all is going well, and say that even though today got off to a rough start dinner with my family and the missionaries, although brief, made it all better....and to top it all off they are having a house marathon today so that makes up for not getting the cheesecake I was promised, and not only is it fat free but with all the laughing I will be doing from it, I will actually come away skinnier than I would have eating the cheesecake (just don't tell John because he has promised to buy me a cheesecake later so I don't want him to think he doesn't have to do that now, I still want my cheesecake .
So, today started off on a very bad note and I did actually believe all was lost. Today is not only Mother's Day, it is also our 6Th anniversary, and a week ago I made it very clear to John that my expectations where high and that if he screwed this up he would ruin both events for me. I continued to remind him of the importance of this one day, and sure enough last night I discovered he had not only not planned anything big but the one thing I had asked of him he was unable to do, and then the thing I wanted him to do this morning to make up for that he not only complained but he cussed while complaining and I so frustrated that I ended up crying, he though did the make up breakfast--waffles, with fresh strawberries and banana slices and freshly whipped whip cream, and I just am not good at holding a grudge anyways, I have a bad memory.
So we go to church and not only does the primary sing but the priesthood sang with them, they sang love is spoken here, and even though Dominic just stood up there waving at me (he is taking a little longer to understand the whole sing while everybody else sings while we are up here concept, this actually was one of the first times he stood up there with everybody else and didn't run back screaming to me) and as I sat back and saw my little "big boy" up there and then my husband standing not too far away, for the first time I heard nothing at all, just stood there understanding just how happy my life is, despite all the bad, I still have a husband and son that not only love me but will stand up in front of everybody else to prove that love to me.
We ended up leaving 30 minutes early so we could get home to get dinner ready so when the missionaries got here we could eat, since they were in a hurry to get home and call their families, and everything (for the first time in a long time) went smoothly, and we were all able to sit down and eat, we had some laughs, and we were talking about staying out of trouble and my little boy sat at the opposite end of the table from me and told me how he did something and got in trouble, I didn't understand exactly what he said but for the first time that I can remember I realized my son was trying to engage in conversation and he was actually aware of the topic of conversation we were having.
I have been married for 6 years now, and been a mother for a little more than of them, and that dear sweet child of mine has taught me so much, but he is growing so fast. It is definitely bittersweet because, as it looks right now, he will be my only baby. I know that we can adopt and we have already started the process and I look forward to that amazing experience, but I also look at my child and realize I will never be able to know I am not only sharing my body with my child but that i provide his/her nutrients as he/she grows in my tummy. The amazing feeling you have as you feel them kick in your tummy, sometimes it might be painful, but still, to know that this little miracle is taking place in your tummy, I find that amazing. Today has definitely been a bittersweet kind of day because it was 5 years ago today that I my doctor called and confirmed what a home test had told us a few days before, that I was in fact pregnant with a baby that is now engaging in adult conversations about getting into trouble.
Anyhow, I just wanted to get on and wish everybody a very happy Mother's day and that all is going well, and say that even though today got off to a rough start dinner with my family and the missionaries, although brief, made it all better....and to top it all off they are having a house marathon today so that makes up for not getting the cheesecake I was promised, and not only is it fat free but with all the laughing I will be doing from it, I will actually come away skinnier than I would have eating the cheesecake (just don't tell John because he has promised to buy me a cheesecake later so I don't want him to think he doesn't have to do that now, I still want my cheesecake .
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